Author Topic: More George Carlin  (Read 81 times)

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Offline W1RC

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More George Carlin
« on: July 06, 2020, 03:09:34 PM »

George Carlin : Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do *any* of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time! But he *loves you*.

George Carlin : Another thing I'm getting tired of is when after six policemen get arrested for sticking a floor lamp up some black guy's ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they're going to have "sensitivity training".

George Carlin : I say "hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large, cumbersome object up someone else's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place."
George Carlin : That's another thing they don't like at the airport: jokes. You know?
[applause]
George Carlin : Yeah, you can't joke about a bomb! Well, why is it just jokes? What about a riddle?
[laughter]
George Carlin : How about a limerick?
[laughter]
George Carlin : How about a bomb anecdote? You know, no punchline, just a really cute story. Or suppose you intended to remark, not as a joke, but as an ironic musing. Are they prepared to make that distinction? Why, I think NOT.
George Carlin : [about the United States' hypochondria]  You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore. They cook the shit out of everything now, 'cause everybody's afraid of *food poisoning*! Hey, where's your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance, will ya? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? Nine thousand! That's all! It's a minor risk! Take a fucking chance, bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice. It needs germs to practice on.
George Carlin : As far as I'm concerned, all of this airport security, all the searches, the screenings, the cameras, the questions, it's just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can fuck with you anytime they want, as long as you put up with it. As long as you put up with it. Which means, of course, anytime they want!
George Carlin : I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay? And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.
George Carlin : Here's another example of overprotection. You ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK47 strolls on to a school yard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day... the next day, the school in overrun with counsellors and psychiatrics and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the child cope. Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic: "35 classmates minus 4... equals 31". We were tough.
George Carlin : I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel? Who needs this "Shady Pines" bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck" motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".
George Carlin : I decided to look around for something else to worship; something I can really count on and immediately I thought of the sun. Happened like that...
[snaps fingers]
George Carlin : ...overnight, I became a sun worshiper. Well, not overnight; you can't see the sun at night... but first thing the next morning.
George Carlin : And if you didn't take a weapon on board, *relax*. After you've been flying for about an hour, they're going to *bring* you a knife and fork! They actually *give* you a fucking knife! It's only a table knife, but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take you a couple minutes, you know, specially if he's hefty, huh? Yeah, but you can get the job done if you really wanted to kill the prick.
George Carlin : There's a lot of things you use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with a Sunday New York Times!
[first lines]
George Carlin : So, lemme ask ya something. How's everybody doing tonight, huh?
[audience cheers]
George Carlin : Good, well, *fuck you*! Just trying to make ya feel at home.
George Carlin : Whoever coined the phrase "let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
George Carlin : This is my idea for one of those big, outdoor summer festivals. This is called Slug Fest. This is for men only. Here's what you do. You get about a hundred thousand of these fucking men. You know the ones I mean. These macho motherfuckers. These strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha male jackoffs. The muscle assholes. You take about a hundred thousand of these disgusting pricks, and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big twenty-five acre dirt arena. And you just let them beat the shit out of each other

George Carlin : for twenty-four hours non-stop. No food, no water, just whiskey and PCP. And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other until only one guy is left standing, then you take that guy and you put him on a pedestal and you shoot him in the fucking head.

George Carlin : Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever want to run into - a fuckin' piece-of-shit businessman. And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. They don't trust one another. When a businessman sits down to "negotiate a deal", the first he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete, lying prick who's trying to fuck him out of his money. So he's got to do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he's gotta do it with a big *smile* on his face. You know that big, bullshit businessman smile? And if you're a customer, whoa! That's when you get the *really* big smile! Customer always gets that really big smile, as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer, and unzips his pants, and proceeds to "service the account"!
George Carlin : In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. I gotta tell you the truth. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe.
[staggers for a moment]
George Carlin : In *awe* of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.
[whoops and hollers]
George Carlin : No contest. No contest! Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story every told.
George Carlin : Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful.
[laughter and disgusted moans]
George Carlin : Come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, god damn it. You didn't think of. Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No, no. Just go in, have a "cock"tail. Or a high"ball".
George Carlin : If you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs. What are you gonna do when some supervirus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna *deserve it* 'cause you're *fucking* weak and you've got a *fucking* weak immune system!