Author Topic: Even More George Carlin  (Read 71 times)

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Offline W1RC

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Even More George Carlin
« on: July 06, 2020, 03:11:28 PM »
George Carlin : I don't think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Stop that! Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes! And that repulsive country line dancing shit that you do. And be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor!
George Carlin : [on the security questions asked at the airport]  "Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?" Hmm. Well, what exactly is an unknown person? Surely, everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.
George Carlin : Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen. Not true, bullshit is everywhere. Bullshit is rampant. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full of shit. This entire country is completely full of shit, and always has been. From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-Spangled Banner, it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white and blue all-American bullshit.
George Carlin : When it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is *fucked up*. Something is *wrong* here: war, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades! Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. Just between you and me, in between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.
George Carlin : I became a sun worshiper; several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, kinda helps the credibility along, you know? So every day, I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake... and occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
George Carlin : This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and niggers and women, right? I always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave-owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now, that is what's known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fuckin' cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse!
George Carlin : [about why people elected and reelected Bill Clinton]  The American people like their bullshit right up front, where they can get a good, strong whiff of it. Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets you know it. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying, "I'm a plain and honest man." Bullshit! People don't believe that. What did Clinton say? He said, "Hi, folks! I'm completely full of shit, and how do you like that?" And the people said, "You know something? At least he's honest!"
George Carlin : White people got no business playing the blues ever, at all, under any circumstances. Ever, ever, ever. What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? "Banana Republic ran out of khakis"?
[laughter]
George Carlin : "The espresso machine is jammed"?
[laughter]
George Carlin : "Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up"?
[laughter]
George Carlin : Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to *give* people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. I'll tell you a little secret about the blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play. You got to know why they need to be played.
George Carlin : Something else I'm getting tired of, is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all the time about children. It's all you hear in this country: children! Help the children! What about the children? Save the children! You know what I say? I say fuck the children! Fuck 'em! They are getting entirely too much attention. And I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes, he is! He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I'm talking about.
George Carlin : [On the security questions asked at the airport]  "Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?" No. Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours. Just for good luck.
George Carlin : Here's another guy thing that sucks: these t-shirts that say, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit. Obsolete, male impulses from a hundred thousand years ago, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You know what I do when I see that shirt? I obstruct. I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk around me, he gets a little past me, I spin him around kick him in the nuts, rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his fucking throat. Hey, listen, that's all these Marines are looking for, a good time.