Author Topic: Still More George Carlin  (Read 82 times)

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Offline W1RC

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Still More George Carlin
« on: July 06, 2020, 03:11:49 PM »
[about airport security]
George Carlin : They'll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife. Well, what the fuck is that? In fact, there is a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they're going to say to you is, "That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you."

[about the United States' hypochondria]
George Carlin : It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol!
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin : It's true! It's true. It's true! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! And you can see their point: wouldn't want some guy to go to Hell *and* be sick! It would a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution.
George Carlin : Besides, an airplane ride shouldn't be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life! What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another 30 years? Read People magazine and eat at Wendy's til the end of time? Take a fuckin' chance! And besides, if we made airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded. Porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. You know, entertainment venues.
George Carlin : Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.
George Carlin : [on the security questions asked at the airport]  "Did you pack your bags yourself?" No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world and then they packed my bags. Next question.
[about the phrases "happens to be black" and "openly gay"]
George Carlin : You know, you wouldn't say someone was "openly black." Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white - he just happens to be black.
George Carlin : [about God]  I honestly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
[after his "invisible man in the sky" bit]
George Carlin : Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, HOLY SHIT!
George Carlin : I have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment. And I've always been willing to put *you* at great personal risk for the same reason.
George Carlin : Names are an interest of mine. Not a hobby; hobbies cost money.
George Carlin : Here's another question I've been pondering: what is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Yeah, three out of four people now believe in angels. What are you, fucking stupid? Has everybody lost their fucking mind in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs, ALL the drugs, smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs that'll get you some fucking angels, my friend!
George Carlin : There's too much security at the airport. I'm tired of some guy with a double-digit I.Q. and a triple-digit income rooting around inside of my bag for no reason and never *finding* anything! Haven't found anything yet. Haven't found one bomb in one bag! And don't tell me, "Well, the terrorists know their bags are going to be searched, so now they're leaving their bombs at home." There are no bombs. The whole thing's fucking pointless! And, it's completely without logic. There's no logic at all!
George Carlin : Personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough, I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and *eat it*! I eat it! Yes I do! Even if I'm at a sidewalk cafe. In *Calcutta*! The poor section! On New Year's morning, during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behavior, I never get infections. I don't get 'em. I don't get colds, I don't get flu, I don't get headaches, I don't upset stomachs, and you know why? 'Cause I got a good strong immune system, and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully-automatic military assault rifles, with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So, when my white blood cells are on patrol, keeping order in my bloodstream, seeking out strange and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious-looking germs of any kind, they *don't fuck around*! They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker, and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There's no nonsense, there's no Miranda warning, there's none of that "three strikes and you're out" shit. First offense, bam! Into the colon you go!
George Carlin : Suppose you just had really big hands. Couldn't you strangle a flight attendant? Shit, you could probably strangle two of them, one with each hand! You know, if you were lucky enough to catch them in that little kitchen area, before they give out the fucking peanuts, you know? But you can get the job done, if you really cared enough.
George Carlin : [about the invisible man in the sky]  He loves you, and he needs MONEY! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-wise. Somehow...
[snaps fingers]
George Carlin : ... just can't handle money!
George Carlin : That's what Americans do now: they're always willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling, the illusion of security. What we have now is a completely neurotic population OBSESSED with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs!
George Carlin : I don't always wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom, okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That's the only time! That's the only... And you know how often that happens? Tops... Tops! Two, three times a week, tops. Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean?
George Carlin : I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you're such fucking heroes aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued. You've turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it's not healthy. And don't give me that weak shit: "Well, I love my children!" Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn't make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Kept them all out in the yard near the garage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant, mindless yammering in the media, this completely neurotic fixation that somehow everything... EVERYTHING revolves around children. It's completely out of balance.
George Carlin : Here's another male cliche: these guys who cut the sleeves off of their t-shirts so the rest of us can have a more compelling experience of smelling their armpits! I say, "Hey, Bruno, shut it down, would you, please? You smell like an anchovy's cunt, okay? Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Not good, Bruno, and definitely not for sharing."
George Carlin : [doing the Advertising Lullaby]  Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free home trial, and free parking. No cash? No problem. No kidding. No muss, no fuss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest 'til September. But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Offer good while supplies last. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. So come on in. Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!"
George Carlin : Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every rundown schmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
George Carlin : [after mentioning Mr. Pibb in his long drawn out name for a roadside hotel]  Because that's all that seems to be left in that vending machine by Sunday night, y'know? Mr. Pibb, and Diet Shasta Orange! Oh, and that yellow can of Canada Dry tonic water that NOBODY WANTS!
George Carlin : [criticizing people's belief in angels]  Angels, shit. What about goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? We never hear from them, except on Halloween, and it's always negative shit, too, you know? And zombies! Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I say if you're going to buy the angels shit, you might go for the zombie package as well.
George Carlin : When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River, and it was filled with raw sewage, okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know, to cool off. And at that time, the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio. No one, ever! You know why? 'Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!
George Carlin : Here's another horrifying example... er, aspect of American culture: the pussification, the continued pussification of the American male, in the form...
[pauses as the audience cheers]
George Carlin : Yeah, all right... in the form of Harley-Davidson theme restaurants. What the fuck is going on here? Harley-Davidson used to mean something. It stood for biker attitude: grimy outlaws and their sweaty mamas, full of beer and crank, rolling around on Harleys, looking for a good time, destroying property, raping teenagers, and killing policemen. All very necessary activities, by the way. But now, theme restaurants... And this soft shit obviously didn't come from hardcore bikers. It came from these weekend motorcyclists, these fraudulent, two-days-a-week motherfuckers who had their bikes trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota, for the big rally and then ride around like they just came in off the road. Dentists and bureaucrats and pussy-boy software designers, getting up on a Harley 'cause they think it makes them cool. Well, hey, you ain't cool, you're fucking chilly! Your chili ain't never been cool.
George Carlin : If you want to know how you can help your children, LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE!
George Carlin : If there is a God, IF there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that He is at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit! Which I admire in a person and which would explain some of these bad results.
George Carlin : If you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-2-20 and still attack advertising up here... well, you're just going to have to figure that shit out on your own, okay?
George Carlin : I worship the sun, but I don't pray to the sun. You know why? I wouldn't presume on a friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking Him TRILLIONS AND TRILLIONS of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favors; do this, give me that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday, His day off.
George Carlin : [discussing what's on TV at the same time as this special]  Later on tonight on the Pay-Per-View, on Pay-Per-View, Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson's concert is on and TV guide-listed all the songs he's gonna sing; he's gonna start out with one of my favorites: "Too Drunk to Jerk Off". Isn't that a good one? God I love that song! Then he's gonna do a series of love songs: "Kiss Me, I'm Coming". Aw that's a good one. "Kiss me, I'm coming. Oh now, I'm humming!"
[hums]
George Carlin : Well I can't help it, I am a romantic and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes. Here's a sad song: "I Should've Fucked Oh Whatshername". Remember that? "I should've never played the game, I should've fucked oh Whatshername." Here's one my mother used to sing around the house: "Your Love Ran Down My Leg, and Now You're Gone". Yeah, that one always got to me. I'm glad you feel the same way. Here's a fine love song: "You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me". He's even gonna do a Stevie Wonder song: "I Just Called To Say I Tested Positive". Well, you don't wanna leave anybody out, you know what I mean? And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of cowboy songs? He's gonna do that one George Jones and Waylon Jennings wrote, "Drinking Beer, Taking a Shit, and Passing Out", then he's gonna do kind of a traditional western song, one that Gene Autry used to sing when I was a little boy: "It's Midnight in Montana and I Can't Get My Dick Outta This Cow." You know why I like that song so much? Cause it's a real cowboy song. And by the way, speaking of cattle-fucking, do you know why it is when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back; just a little tip for you outdoorsmen when you're out camping.